by Emily Allen Nilsen
Re-blogged from: May We Suggest
This word has meant different things to me over the course of my life thus far. It once brought to mind the image of an all-powerful God who was moving pieces of my life around like a life-sized game of muggle-chess (yes, that is a Harry Potter reference). I used to believe blessings came from God and you were lucky if He chose to bless you. I no longer see it that way.
As I got older, theological questions began to cloud my once clear picture and understanding of God. Why would God choose to bless me and NOT bless others? If God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all loving, how can extremely terrible things like natural disasters or genocide happen? Was God too busy “blessing” little ole me to do anything about those BIG issues. These questions and more plagued my heart and soul as I struggled to make sense of it all.
For a while, I wondered if I didn’t even believe in God, as least not in the same “God” I had before. I knew I believed in something; some collective, creative, connective power, but was that God if God meant all the images I had been taught for so long? I never felt comfortable saying I didn’t believe, because that wasn’t completely true, but I also couldn’t claim the concepts I once knew and stood by. I remember thinking that old saying “ignorance is bliss,” has so much truth in it. I wanted, on some level, to go back to my old ways of thinking. It was so much easier to just believe that God was in control, that God had a plan for my life. If only I could take away the questions I wrestled with, the doubts that drowned me in darkness.
But I couldn’t go back.
I had been changed – by untimely deaths of friends and loved ones, by injustice that existed and still exists, by pain, by the cruelty in the world. I’d been forced to think – by hard academics/religious classes at Graceland (my alma mater), by friends going through similar faith crisis, by the questions that wouldn’t go away and shattered my pretty-ordered-God-in-a-box-world.
Even today, I’m not sure where exactly things changed. There was never a moment of clarity or insight, just a slow steady crawl to new understanding. There are truths I feel and recognize in my deepest soul; there is something more, there is some connecting spirit, we are many but we are one. Slowly, I began to claim God again. Not the same God as before, but I choose to still use the word “God” because I have no other word for “it.”
I believe in hope. I believe in love. I believe in the power we have to love and affect those around us. I believe our thoughts and intentions are far more powerful than we have any idea about. I believe the universe is a connected web of intentions, and relationships, and feelings rather like the neurons in our brains. I believe that connective force that can transcend time and distance is what we have poorly understood as God, so we thought God should be more like us – human, white, male, and petty, choosing to bless some and not others.
The word blessing now means something very different to me as well. Blessing is an active tapping into that loving, wise energy. Blessing is about rooting oneself into that force and allowing one’s heart to expand. It can be felt by individuals or groups, in times of sorrow, in times of joy. Being blessed isn’t a passive state where God plays games with your life. Blessing is listening to the callings and promptings, listening to the wisdom that exists in the lives all around us. Blessings invoke ancient power within our own lives and souls, connecting us to each other and the Earth.
I now believe that blessings are far more about love.
This past Sunday was the last time Andrew and I would be with our local congregation for a few years. On that day, we gathered with our friends and family to receive a blessing for our Peace Corps service. It was an opportunity and invitation to accept love and support from our community. It was an invitation to go deeper and to prepare emotionally to embrace the challenges and blessings our Peace Corps service has to offer. It was incredible to feel such hope and such love. Not many young adults participate in organized religion in the Portland area, but we feel the intergenerational relationships we have made the past 4 years, sharing with that community, have changed our lives for the better. We have their stories, their lessons, their support.
Regardless if you are Christian or not, or participate in any religion at all, it is my sincere hope that at some point in your life you feel the level of support Andrew and I felt last Sunday for transitioning to this new stage of life. While it is difficult to say goodbye to people who have become our friends and extended family, we will carry their blessings forward. Thank you, Tuality Community of Christ for being companions on our journey.
May we be open to the blessings today that our loved ones helped us find and feel. May we listen with open hearts to the callings and promptings around us. May we feel the love and support from this past Sunday so strongly that it can help sustain us and support us through our Peace Corps service. May we be blessed.